Well, there is nothing like a vacation that makes you have lots of afterthoughts [in the positive sense]! Although we talked about how we ought to engage our reality after we all go home, there is nothing quite like knowing I have experienced something and someone during the vacation, but can't really explain what. So, in order to sort out what I experienced, I'd like to share some thoughts. Please note that I do not mean to offend anyone - and please feel free to correct me if I am misguided (very likely considering I am not sure what I am talking about w.r.t. CL).
Am I trying to fit CL into the "old wineskin" of my experiences and worldview? CL encounter certainly mirrors that I learned through JPII's Theology of the Body - we know truth through our experience. In one sense, Giussani's words "The journey to truth is an experience" is very much in line with the phenomenology (modern philosophy that says that we can know truth from experience) that JPII used in his teachings. As I learn about CL and its proposal more, I hope to share the synthesis of these two thoughts with y'all, my readers (all 0.5 of you!). I am still trying to fit my experience to what I know, but I really can't! I guess I am having a new wineskin experience. In some sense, I knew already the ideas of everything that was talked about - but CL somehow formalizes and packages the thoughts and the experiences. The simple answer is that it is the mystery of Christ that I am encountering, but it's not quite enough of an answer. I realize that "how does CL fit in" is not the right question, but I am not sure what is the right question to ask about this encounter. hmm.
As someone reflected at the end of the vacation, it is amazing how much I am aware of mine and other people's imperfections to the point that they bother me. And yet, I appreciate how brutally honest these people are, in showing themselves to me. Despite all this, the nuggets of truth still shine brilliantly through our efforts and attempts to share Christ present, so these imperfections are.. ok! I must admit that during each opportunity to listen from Chris, my first reaction was always "ok... he is full of himself/ he is beating this one topic to death." [I mean no offense to anyone, especially Chris!!!] But then, these words will still immediately grab my attention, because they resonate with my experience. This is even though I can't quite say why they do, or understand really what they mean. I guess something touches my heart immediately although it does not engage my intellect as readily.
During other times, I am shocked by people's seeming immaturity and disregard for their well-being, reasonable boundaries, foul language, etc. And yet, I love all these people for them! - How is it possible to feel this way? Part of the issue is that I do a good job of hiding my weaknesses very well, and don't like to reveal them, because it don't feel they are edifying for the community. And perhaps it is really a recognition of my faults that bother me. I dunno. I agree that there is tremendous value to being honest about, and being able to share my imperfections, which I don't do very well. Why do I not like sharing them? because if I admit to them, they might be true, or become bigger than they should be! :) Also, the value comes if sharing my imperfections edify reality and people's relationship with Christ, but isn't it better to not advertise some things? Not that I don't share when appropriate, but they just are not something to flaunt. Something to chew on. hmm.
Two pieces of reflection that I will try to remember, thanks to Elena: where do we encounter Christ? where do we prefer to encounter Christ? I have been trying to answer that for the last two days. I really don't know. I prefer Eucharistic adoration and formalized liturgy in prayer, but that's not what this question is about. The right question seems to be "Do I really have a community that I can turn to?" I have to admit that in Boston, I did not. St. Ignatius group was nice, but I can't communicate my entire self, mostly because I didn't feel that people would understand. But with CL folks that I've known only for a few days, I feel that they do understand me.
As Elvi suggested, I may in fact be dodging reality of my social life whenever I choose to hang out with out-of-town visitors, or go on dates with people when I am out of town traveling. Attending the vacation had sort of the same motives underneath - I'd rather not hang out with Boston people. Why? 1. consider BCE, my choir. People are nice, but it is a very secular group. I constantly questioned "Am I in good company? or am I spending time with not-so-edifying people?" "Should I choose to spend time with those who help me on my journey instead?" Although we sing beautiful music and beautiful texts that allow the encounter with Christ, I don't know if people are open to it. Coming back from the vacation, I now feel that I should help the fellow choristers to have their encounter with the mystery through this participation in the music. 2. St. Ignatius - see above. 3. work - I spend time sitting at my desk. How should I engage these realities? 4. Lay Dominicans - am I just holding onto what I used to love 6 years ago? I think what my being friendly with out-of-towners reveal is that I identify with them much more so than other people in Boston. Granted, I have lived here only 1 year, but I think my need for community and love has grown much more since I have moved to Austin.
Where do I prefer to encounter Christ? U of Illinois Koinonia community? It was a rich place to grow up, but I have grown since then in the last 7.5 years. Am I holding on to this illusion of the "good old days?" no. That's not it. where, then? CL? I feel like I can be brutally honest about myself and what I feel with other CL folks, without trying to look polite or not cause ruckus or simply deciding to not care about my thoughts.
Other random thoughts.
Morning prayer: 1. We all tend to chant the psalms and the reading waaaaay too fast! It is difficult to understand or catch the meaning of the words when we pray the text that fast! I understand that we don't want to go slow, but this was beyond practicality! 2. Soft singing and singing in unity is important, but under-singing is not good - where you don't make enough sound to be phonating in a healthy manner, or can't really properly pronounce the words. Does anyone else agree?
Next time we go star-gazing, we need to bring a laser pointer, or an opaque tube with a flashlight, so that we can point at things better.
The games were more damaging to my body than the 1st day of hiking!
Most commercially available BBQ sauce is yucky!
It would have been nice to be not so clique-driven. The cliques were so dominant to a point that I, and other new-comers who are just checking out the group felt rather isolated from the rest of the people much of the time. Thank God for the Indiana group, my Midwest homies, with whom I felt very much at home (mysteriously)!
In conclusion:
The meeting with CL was mixed, but meeting with Christ through CL was awesome! Something about it (or at least how it was presented) makes me feel like CL is rather limited in repertoire or the choice of flavors it offers. Which is odd, because Albacete's writings don't give me that sense. This still makes me wonder how CL fits with my experiences and worldview. I see that CL seems to offer all the conduits to holiness in some people - I don't quite see that. The encounter, and the engagement of reality, and appreciating the mystery is certainly the basis of our relationship with God, but ... what is this missing thing I am trying to figure out?
Is it my experience with the Dominican order? The four pillars of Dominican life: prayer, study, community, and apostolate? Does CL not offer that? Is it the fact that CL is only 50 years old, and seems like it is still figuring out what it is, similar to the Community of St. John, about 30 years old, that is still trying to grow beyond the teachings of the founder? As compared to the Dominican order, which has been around for 800 years? How do I reconcile my Dominican-ness with what I experienced through the vacation? hmm.
Again, I appreciate any comments that might help me navigate through this encounter. thanks!
